Ringadingding

2009-11-09T21:19:00.003-05:00

Has it really been so long?
The kids and I are really sick. Painfully sick. Recovery is slow. I missed my workout today because of being sick.

For six weeks straight I've been exercising 3 days a week. That is really consistent for me. I'm going to try to do it on Wed. Hopefully I'll be better by then.

Lots has happened since last year. Our little branch has split into two branches. I'm Relief Society 1st counselor (actually, have been for a long time). Tough job. I try not to think about it too much otherwise I get overwhelmed. It is a tough branch.

Carlos is 2nd counselor in the branch presidency. He was called the end of September. I don't know how he can handle working 15 hour workdays plus this calling. But so far he hasn't collapsed.

We only have one car and Carlos takes it to work Mon. thru Thurs. I hate it being stuck. Last Thurs. Ethan was so sick I needed to take him to the doctor and I had no car. It took me till noon to find a ride to the doctor. It is so hard not having a car available.

The kids don't like school but they tolerate it. So far they haven't fought me about going to school, thank you very much. Jane is in 2nd grade and Ethan is in 5th. The school seems pretty good.

The kids have started planning their birthday parties. They wrote down the schedule, who to invite, what games to play, what food to eat, and what presents they want. It is pretty funny to read what they have planned. Now I just need a car to buy their presents.

My camera broke a long time ago so no more photos. Sometimes it's a real bummer but part of me is relieved-no more photos to have to deal with. We already have albums full of photos that nobody even looks at.

Autumn has been nice here. Pretty mild so far. The leaves are pretty. I actually haven't been outside very much.

That's all for now. I'm tired.

Ethan's Birthday Party

2008-11-30T20:28:00.000-05:00

Ethan decided he wanted to celebrate his birthday last Friday. He decided this last Sunday. We went out on Wed. and purchased his gifts. He didn't have school so unfortunately I had to bring him with me. On Friday he had a treasure hunt to find his gifts. I hid them and make clues up to find each gift. On the gift was taped the clue to the next gift. He liked figuring out the clues to find his gifts. I like this making him work for his gifts. He wanted pizza for his special meal so we brought home Dominos. He wanted an ice cream cake for his cake. All in all I think it went well. Since he picked out his gifts he wasn't disappointed and played with two of them for hours. (Most of them were books.) I like these simple family parties. I can't believe my little boy is now a strapping young lad of 10! (actually his birthday is not till Dec. 2nd, but still, 10!)

10 Things I love about Ethan

he's so darn cute.
his imagination is amazing.
he is such a deep thinker.
he is an incredible drawer.
he is so tenderhearted.
he has the best laugh in the world.
his smile lights up my world.
he is incredibly intelligent.
he is so funny without even trying.
he is the best son a mother could have.

I love you, Ethan!

2008-11-30T20:09:00.000-05:00

Hi April. If you want to see more of my work click on the scrap in style link. On their home page click on "sisters" then type in kacijackson to see my profile and portfolio.

Today a lot more people signed up to bring food for the party on Sat. so I feel a lot better. For some reason I'm not so nervous. If it flops it flops, if it succeeds it succeeds. I'm doing the best I can.

Got some big news in the works. Can't discuss till later.

Hope everyone had a happy Thanksgiving. We went to a buffet. It was far away and we didn't know exactly where it was. We had a hard time finding it. Then Carlos said this was it. It said OTB on the building. (Carlos said it stood for Old Time Buffet, the name of the buffet). It looked like a strange building and there were tons of security cameras all around it. As we were walking up to it I thought that cameras were strange. Maybe the area was bad? But, no windows? We opened the door and the smell of cigarette smoke was stifling. Carlos realized his mistake.
OTB- Off Track Betting. We got back in the car and called the buffet. We eventually made it to the correct place. Food was okay. But I didn't have to cook it or clean up so okay is okay with me.

Afterwards we went to the movies and saw Madagascar 2. Not very good in my opinion. Don't waste your money. Wait till it hits the library. We had fun being together though.

Yesterday was our 12 year anniversary. For awhile there I didn't think we were going to make it. If we make it to 19 I'll beat my parents on length of marriage. We went to Olive Garden to celebrate with the kids. We don't know anybody to babysit so we celebrated it with the kids. Ethan was very happy we did so. Every year that Carlos and I go out alone he complains that we never celebrate with him. He got his wish this year.

What is the weather like in CT? It is rainy, windy and cold here. This morning we had sleet.

Hope you all have a great week.

2008-11-21T20:46:00.000-05:00

This is an old picture of the house we took when we were still thinking about moving here. I don't have any new pictures because I'm having issues with my computer uploading photos from my camera. If I could put rooms on my scanner I could get some pictures of the inside of the house for you, but unfortunately they don't fit on my scanner-too big and bulky.

Tice, where are you living now? Is it cold were you guys are? The last couple of weeks have been freezing.

Try putting up a 14 foot trampoline in freezing weather. The fingers get awfully numb. My trampoline assembly was quite a bit of a laugh. Carlos and I took down the net posts 3 times and still the net is crooked. I'm not undoing and redoing 72 springs. I could barely do them the first time. In fact, if Lizzy's friend Thomas hadn't helped we'd still be attaching springs. The whole thing took over a week to do. We had about 3 days of rain. Then Liz left but Thomas didn't (a long story) and so I did as much as I could by myself. I had to wait until this past Wed. so Carlos would be home to help. I actually like assembling most things. The directions were ridiculous.

I just made cookies tonight. We have an enrichment tomorrow and we are suppose to bring 3 dozen cookies to exchange. Let me just preface by saying I'm not a baker. I have a recipe that makes 112 cookies. About half way through I realized I don't have a bowl that is even close to being big enough. I called my landlady next door to see if she had a bowl big enough. She asked me why I didn't make two batches. Uhhhh, cause I didn't think of it? Luckily she had a huge bowl she let me borrow. I finished making the required number of cookies and froze the rest of the dough. The dough was too dry so they crumbled when I tried to put them on the pan. We have a new oven because the old broke (very long story) and it's temperature is off. The outside burns and the inside is raw. Now I remember why I hate to bake.

a love affair

2008-11-20T22:32:00.000-05:00

My husband just laughs at me because I absolutely love Cesar Millan, The Dog Whisperer. I don't own a dog. In fact, I am allergic to animal dander. I love listening and reading and watching him in action. I think I love his assertiveness and confidence. I so wish I were like that. Some of what he says seems to apply to raising children. But mostly, it is the calm assertiveness and confidence that I just soak up.

Do you have a love affair like mine?

My sister, Lizzy, visited me for a few days last week. I haven't really spent time with her for decades. It was so nice to be with her. She is moving to Norway for the next 9 years to attend college and medical school for free. She doesn't even speak the language. I admire my sister's boldness, determination and strength. I am so proud of how far she has come. She has been through horrible things. Lizzy is amazing. I love you and miss you already. I believe in you.

My new challenge is to organize the ward Christmas dinner party for 120 people. Mind you I've never even cooked a holiday dinner in my entire life. Now I'm organizing a dinner for over a hundred. This should be fun.

1 year left

2008-11-10T22:57:00.001-05:00

I just read this book called Deadline. The 18 year-old in the story finds out he only has a year left to live. He opts for no treatment since he would only have a small chance of a remission for a small period of time. He also decides not to tell anyone so he can have a "normal" year. Ben, the boy, chooses to do all the things he was too scared to do like go out for football (even though he is very small for his age); ask out the out-of-his-league girl; and stand up for truth in his government class.

My question to you is: What would you do with your last year of life and would you tell anybody you were dying?

The question intrigues me.

I don't think I would take treatment either. As far as telling people, I'm not sure. I might not tell right away to have a few months of normalcy.

What would I do?...I would definitely want to visit all my family to say good-bye and I love you. Hopefully, I'd get to say good-bye to friends as well.
I think I would try to meet and take a class from my favorite artists. Maybe travel to England.

What things am I too scared to do now? What would I do if I had nothing to lose like Ben?

The thought just occurred to me. Why do anything at all? Why grasp at straws so to speak? Do I cram a life into one year or just take it easy? I don't know.

Something to think about.

home

2008-11-08T17:05:00.000-05:00

I love my new home. I love all the space, all the counters, two bathrooms, the huge yard, the trees and beaches, just about everything.

I've actually been able to create a lot since I've been here. I haven't been able to do that in years.

I think the kids are adjusting reasonably well. Ethan had his first playdate today. I think he enjoyed himself.

I'm still trying to arrange one for Jane.

Carlos has a hard time getting up in the morning. About two days a week I take him to a train station about an hour away so he doesn't have to get up so early.

I've gained weight and back fat since I moved. Walking up 3 flights of stairs and walking everywhere made a big difference. Now my butt is sore from driving so much.

We are getting a large trampoline so the kids (and me) can be more active. I'm excited to jump. I haven't been on a tramp. in I don't know how many years.

I took an 5 day online class with Ashley Wren. I absolutely loved it. She has such great ideas to keep the creative juices flowing. I wish the class was longer. If I can figure out how I'll post some pictures of the art journal entries.

Gotta go.

layouts

2008-11-08T17:04:00.001-05:00

we're moving

2008-09-19T21:15:00.000-04:00

This is for Kassie. I could only upload a few of the vacation pictures. I'll upload some more later.

We are moving to Mattituck, Long Island. We are going to rent a nice big house with a nice big backyard and a nice big kitchen with counters and dishwasher and with a washer and dryer.Space, glorious space. I want to leave the house as empty as possible for a while just so I can absorb all that spaciousness.

Getting there is stressful. No renters found yet to take over our contract so we won't have to pay two rents. No car. Difficult to register the kids in the new school. Difficult to find boxes and pack when I have to keep the place immaculate for showings to get it rented. All that while still taking kids to and from school, meals, grocery shopping, cub scouts, and karate. If I can survive this I'll be living the high life (that's what I keep telling myself).

The town is small and quaint. We are one mile from the south shore and just under two miles to the North shore. I plan on doing a lot of beach walking while the kids are in school. Oh, and a school bus will pick them up and bring them home (school is in the next town) so they will be occupied for a glorious seven hours. I'll be able to breath fresh air. I won't have to find a place for us to go in the summer because we'll be living in that kind of place.

We move October 1st. It was a last minute decision. I'll sure miss my friends here. The biggest reason I hate moving (even more than the packing and all that) is leaving behind my friends. I have a hard time making friends. It does not come easy to me so when I leave it hurts to leave the people I love and care about. I also know that it will be hard for me to make new friends. At least I have church. That makes it a little easier for me.

Cub Scouts was rough today. The boys were so hyper. I really didn't get anything done that I had planned because they wouldn't settle down or listen. Then, just before we left to go home, Jane and Ethan have a big clash of the Titans episode. I had to hold onto Jane to keep her from attacking and bothering Ethan. That out of her mind and control behavior drives me nutty. I think I remained somewhat calm.

I'm exhausted. Good-night.

good-bye

2008-07-30T21:11:00.000-04:00

This Sunday the family and I are going to upstate New York for a week's vacation. Very happy to go. We are going to take a few trips into Canada. That reminds me, I need to bring extra batteries for the camera. I hate packing. I procrastinate till the last minute. Here in our abode it is even worse because there is no place to put the suitcases while packing except in the middle of the living room floor.

I won't be blogging till I get back about mid August. Have a happy August.

2008-07-09T19:52:00.000-04:00

Hidy Ho all.

I am so happy because our refrigerator was fixed today. It broke on the 4th which made fixing a special 4th of July meal difficult. It is an interesting experience not having a freezer at all and the fridge part not work very well. I kept asking myself what people did before freezers and such.

The kids are doing well in Karate. This is so good for them. They are learning respect, self-discipline and exercising to keep their bodies healthy. The price seems expensive but when you break it down it is actually a good deal, especially here in Manhattan. At this point I am still too chicken to do it myself. Maybe once the kids are back in school I'll take lessons too. I'd be discounted because two from the family are already taking lessons. We'll see. I'll let you know how it goes.

Carlos got braces. I feel like I am married to a teenager. Seeing the braces brings back so many memories. No gum, no corn on the cob, aching teeth, cut cheeks, funny sounding talking. I'm glad that the experience is over with. Of course it was worth it for my fantastically straight gorgeous teeth. Luckily, Carlos only has them on the bottom row of teeth. The dentist said that he had too much space which was causing the teeth to constantly shift around. As a result the bone never solidified. If he doesn't have it taken care of he will loose his teeth. Not a good thing.

Ethan's drawings are becoming more and more complex and detailed. He truly is an artist. We all love looking at his creations. Right now he is interested in drawing inventions and Spiderwick creatures. Funny boy.

Jane is such a good example to me. She keeps her room so neat and organized. She even enjoys picking up and organizing the boys room! Lucky for Carlos and Ethan who don't seem to enjoy doing it themselves. Jane got a haircut and she looks soo cute. She works very hard on staying healthy by exercising everyday and brushing her teeth. She is amazing.

We are going on a trip in August to upstate New York. There is a cheap cabin that we are renting for a week. I'm really excited because it is cooler up there and there are trees and nature and stuff. It is right on the border so we are going to visit Canada while we are up there. For the kids there is a pool so we can go swimming every day. I'm counting down the days.

I'm starting to read this book called ADD-Friendly ways to Organize Your Life. It seems that I might just have ADD or at least have many of the symptoms. For example, I try to do everything at the same time and as a result I overextend myself and burnout. Then of course I don't finish the task. I also easily get off-track, like when I go to clean up and see a magazine that I haven't read and before I know it I've spent the last 30 minutes reading it. Another big one for me is what they call going into micro-focus. This is sooo me. I get lost in the details instead of focusing on the main task. And it's true for me that many times this happens as a way to block out the overwhelming feelings. Another symptom is that I have a poor sense of time. I underestimate or overestimate the time a task will take. I get stuck and resist moving on to the next task. In kid terms I don't transition well. Another symptom that Carlos will readily agree to is that I have a tendency to over complicate things. It is always surprising to find yourself described in a book.

Have a good night.

2008-06-21T19:10:00.000-04:00

Yesterday was the last day of cub scouts until the fall. I am so very happy. We had an end of the year party. I think it went well. Ethan earned his wolf badge and a golden arrow. Very proud of him.

We also had the conference with the school about Jane yesterday. I think it went well. Jane will receive speech and language help and social/emotional therapy. As far as academics she is average so they would refuse to hold her back. Carlos is extremely angry about how they messed up Jane's school year. So, Jane will go to first grade in the fall with special services to help.

The social worker, school psychologist, teacher and special ed. coordinator all recommended that we go to family therapy to help. We are having a very difficult time with Ethan as well. I really want for us to go because I'm at my wits end. Something is really wrong when you are miserable around your family and try to avoid spending time with them.

I volunteered to help stuff envelopes and pack bags for the stake youth conference. It was fun. I like doing that kind of stuff. The theme for this year is "Amazing Grace." It is based on the tv show which I've never seen. From what I gather the kids have to race around the city to collect things. Pretty intense. My youth conferences were quite tame.

Carlos has reserved a week up at a place call Pineherst. It is in the Thousand Lakes region on the NY/Canadian border. I looking forward to cooler temperatures and getting out of the city.

Thank you for your condolences. I think you are right, April, about it taking time.

Can't think of anything else. Until next time.

hair, beach, training, and death

2008-05-31T18:22:00.000-04:00

Here is my haircut. Only looked like that the day it was cut. Can't seem to blow dry my hair straight.

We went on a family vacation from May 17th to the 24th. It was our turn for our time share at the beach house in Westerly, RI. We had a really good time. Even though it was freezing we got to swim in the indoor pool many days. It is so relaxing to hear the sound of ocean waves. It was so nice to have an apartment with counters and everything was newish and clean. What I loved most about going there was not having to keep up with the crazy frantic pace of the city. I have to admit it was very very difficult coming back. I still haven't adjusted. I feel so lethargic and unmotivated.

On the way back from vacation since we had a car we went to IKEA. Things just weren't working in our apt. so we bought Ethan a loft bed with a desk underneath, Jane a toddler bed, a drop-leaf table, shelves (which we still haven't put up because we are still recovering from putting together the beds.) and some nice curtains for the windows and nice pictures for the wall. Carlos was the designer and decided he was sick of looking at our ugly apt. He did an excellent job.

I'm suppose to go through things and get rid of a lot of stuff. I keep procrastinating because I don't want to make all those decisions as to what to give up and what to keep and where the heck do we put it. Maybe by the end of summer I'll have things relatively organized.

I was at a cub scout leader training meeting for nearly 4 hours today. Very overwhelming. I've got to love the boys (which I don't and struggle with) and be excited about all the excessive work I need to do because we haven't been doing all that we are suppose to do. The Lord is really turning the thumb-screws on me.

My grandfather, Boppa, in Florida finally died May 4th. It's funny how you can not really miss someone until they are dead. I feel a bit numb right now. Still processing his passing.

Can't think of anything else. What are your summer plans?

2008-04-30T23:19:00.000-04:00

I got my hair cut today. My hair grows fast but when I let it get long it looks ratty and frizzy. I had it cut short-I think it is a bob. I probably won't be able to get it to look as good as when the hair dresser did it. I don't have the equipment or talent when it comes to hair or make up, for that matter. Still, it feels so good to be free of excess hair. Like a heavy, hot burden has been lifted. My hair looks good to me even if my family doesn't like it. I'll post a picture soon, I hope.

Another rough day with the kids, particularly Jane. I hope tomorrow will be better.

go well.

Shucks

2008-04-27T21:33:00.000-04:00

I've been here in the city for almost 2 years now without any famous people sightings. Until today. Today in church the guy that played Napoleon Dynamite (Jon Heder) was in attendance. I didn't even recognize him and I was standing about 3 feet away. I remember thinking he looked vaguely familiar but I had no idea from where and I certainly never imagined it could be someone famous. Tonight Carlos said he was in church and that I was standing only a few feet away. He was posing with people for photos. I had my phone camera with me too. Shucks!

Awhile back Carlos saw David Duchovny (they stood side by side on a corner on Madison Ave.)and the guy that played Lennie on Lavern & Shirley (Carlos passed him on 9th Ave). Carlos also did a show with Peter, Paul and Mary and Rosie O'Donnell. He also sang with Andrea Botcelli and Susan Lucci shook Carlos' hand.

Rent went up another $225. I find it so irritating. I feel like we basically throw Carlos' paycheck in the garbage can. We have nothing to show for it. If you are wondering how much rent we will be paying starting in July it's $2675 for less than 500 square feet of space.

We had an explosion of very bad behavior today. I was blown away by how ornery, rude and flat out contemptuous the kids have become.

Well, my fear has come true. The current cub scout leader has been called to a new calling. Luckily, I think I'm still assistant and someone else is leader. Pray for me.

I was asked by the head of the enrichment committee to come up with a cutesy craft idea that the sisters could make for visiting teaching to bring to less active sisters or hard-to-connect-with sisters. She wanted it to have a scripture, a quote, and a thing (object lesson, like giving a grand candy bar and saying someone is grand, that sort of thing) and have the theme of giving Christ centered lesson each time instead of just fluff. I have until next Tues. Plus the "thing" has to be cheap. Tall order. At last I get to empty my scrap cabinet in the process. I've gone beyond excess in this department. I'm going through the process of emptying out everything the sisters can use for the craft project. It feels so good to declutter and serve others with my "wealth".

Carlos has had an upper respiratory infection for over week. I finally convinced him yesterday to go to the emergency room. He got some antibiotics. This is how wonderful my hubbie is. He took the kids with him to the emergency room. If you've ever been to the emergency room it is nothing like it is portrayed on TV. You sit and wait for hours. He did this because when he came back from his trip on Thurs. I said I wanted Sat off. The kids have been on spring break this week and I've been going crazy. He said yes and he kept his word. What a stellar husband. And the kids go back to school tomorrow. Yeah!!!!!!

The elders quorum president did an interesting thing today. He had the Relief Society pres. pass out a piece of paper so that all the sisters could write down what they want the priesthood men to do to treat them well. He is going to give the lesson next Sunday. I wish I could be a fly on the wall for that one. By the time the list got to me (I was about 3 rows back, near the front) there were already about 17 responses. There was still about thirty women to go. I'll let you know how it goes next week.

Two happy events are happening this Sat. The first is Jane has been invited to her first birthday party for her friend Nathan. You have to understand that here a birthday party can be as extravagant and costly as a wedding. It is the height of fashion to be invited to one of these parties. (What do you give for a gift?) The second happy event is that Carlos' last concert of the season is this Sat. No more practices every Tuesday night plus numerous other nights. No being gone for hours on Sat. and Sun. for the actual concert. I'm happy for him getting to follow his dream but I must admit that it is huge sacrifice for the rest of us.

That's all for now. Go well.

2008-04-18T15:15:00.000-04:00

i can't help but laugh at Ethan's cluelessness and his groove.

2008-04-12T16:28:00.000-04:00

My in-laws are here this weekend. Friday was so busy. I was in charge of scouts again because my leader was going to be gone again. Between trying to get ready for scouts and the in-laws I'm beat. Can I just say that with all of us sleeping in this apartment it is wall-to-wall beds. Only the kitchen and bathroom have walking space.

Carlos' sister wanted to see the sights but the kids and I went home after a few hours. Too boring and tiring. So Carlos gets to be tour guide all by himself.

To be cont..

on deck

2008-03-25T11:30:00.000-04:00

Sorry, I was out of this universe for awhile. I shall try to stay so I can blog.

The management company did nothing for the leak. Eventually, all the "liquid" dripped out. So I guess they think the leak is fixed, until somehow more water gets into our ceiling.

I'm disappointed that the Jackson family reunion was canceled. Not because I like family reunions, but because that was going to be an opportunity to get out of the city for part of the summer and the kids to play with their cousins, and most importantly, for me to see my dad in Arizona. Not sure what the kids and I are going to do this summer. It is awful here in summer. You know those brick ovens that they bake pizza in? That is New York City during the summer. Moms and kids leave for the summer, we are talking like 6 weeks or more. No one for the kids to play with. Very boring.

We had the pinewood derby this past Saturday. Ethan refused to go. Little by little he is withdrawing from cub scouts. Very sad considering how excited he was about it when we lived in CT. Would you agree with this Lara? The photo is from Dec. 2006 when Ethan finally became a cub scout.

So I went alone. Helped out as best as I could. I was the "on deck" girl. Very fast paced. Didn't see the races themselves. I made a few emergency hot glue repairs. I actually had an okay time. I guess the boys were not bored so they behaved reasonably well. Only had to intervene when two boys were playing tug-of-war with a hammer.

It amazes me how involved the fathers become when it involves racing and competition. There is no way that some of those cars were created by 8,9,10 year old boys. I wonder how the boys feel when they receive awards for a "category" that they did not truly earn? I know how it makes the boys who truly make the car by themselves. Rotten.

there's something dripping from the light

2008-03-15T10:51:00.000-04:00

That's correct. last night as I was about to make dinner (quickly before the missionaries came in 45 min.) I went into the kitchen and found what appears to be raw sewage dripping from the kitchen light. For awhile there had been some loud unrecognizable sounds coming from above. I went out the apartment to find the super and this other guy that I vaguely recognize as a plumber that the management uses comes down the stairs. I ask him what they are doing and that there is something dripping from my light. He comes in to look and says, "Oh no. That's not good." And goes back upstairs. I put a bucket under the steady drip and try to sop up the "liquid" on the floor then start dinner. Mind you this is difficult because the drip is in the middle of a 5'x5' kitchen. A few minutes later a different guy knocks on the door and looks at the drip. Again, I asked what is going on and instead of an answer he says I'm just going to have to let it all drip out and to keep the kids away from it. No really? I thought I might serve it to the kids for dinner. No apology, no explanation and no contact after that. I really don't like our management company that much, but from what I've heard our is better than most. Still, I think there is raw sewage pouring into my apartment from a light fixture. I don't feel very safe.

Well, at 7 pm I am still cooking dinner and Carlos gets home. A few minutes later the missionaries arrive. Carlos asks them to reschedule which they were gracious enough to do. Carlos and I ate dinner while the kids had their noses glued to the computers watching two different movies in two different rooms. After the day I had been having I really didn't have the energy to care.

After we had family prayer later Ethan and Jane had a scuffle and Jane [whether accident or not] pushed ethan off the beanbag and he hit his head on the sofa. Later I have to give him 4 tylenol because he has a raging headache. I had to weight him first and was extremely alarmed that he weighed 92 lbs. (only 30 lbs less then me and I am about 6-7 inches taller). This means that in about 1 month he has gained 10 lbs. More on the whole weight issues another time. So while he is moaning in agony I am trying to help him to relax and comfort him until he can fall asleep and sleep off the pain. He finally falls asleep about 9:30 pm. So much for alone time or relaxing and watching a movie. I just went to bed thanking God that the day was finally over.

This morning I wake up to hear my son cooking eggs for breakfast. Part of me is relieved that he can cook his own breakfast but part of me is worried about the whole fire thing. As I am in bed listening my heart groans as I realize that Carlos has another rehearsal today. That means 6-8 hours of being gone. Luckily he said he'll go a bit late. Please God, let there be some good in this day.

2008-03-14T12:54:00.000-04:00

My e-mail crashed yesterday. I lost all messages and all contacts. I am beside myself. All the photos, emails, and important password and receipts have been wiped out. If you read this e-mail me so I can have your email address again. For awhile I couldn't email but I think I got that fixed. I don't know how this all happened but I can't tell you how much I feel lost and panicky. I haven't felt like this since Carlos' identity was stolen a few months ago. I have always had a mistrust of computers. They seem so fallible, so unreliable. More and more I think it is dangerous that so much of our lives are wrapped up in computers. Computer crashes happen a lot more often than fires. Hacking is so much more prevalent than bank robberies. Identity theft is on the rise. How safe are we?

What do you think?

no more

2008-03-12T23:39:00.000-04:00

I can't face another day with Jane and her tantrums. Tonight was parent teacher conferences. She was screaming at the top of her lungs that she wanted cereal just before we had to leave. I said no. I had to carry her 5 1/2 blocks with Ethan carrying her shoes and me holding on to her coat because she would not cooperate. She weighs almost 50 lbs. My arms and shoulders were already hurting from carrying 50 lbs of groceries about 8 blocks one of which is a long block. I am so fed up with jane. I am so exhausted. There seems to be no end in sight. I'll stop complaining now.

My dad sent me this cool e-mail that described what the US was like 100 years ago. One of the things was that there were only 3000 cars. 95% of births were in the home. 90% of Doctors didn't go to medical school. The population of Las Vegas was 30. And a bunch of others. My great grandma was 8 years old in 1907.

I bought myself a bunch of daffodils tonight as a reward for enduring today without killing Jane. They are so cheery and yellow. I smile inside when I look at them. I also bought myself a 3 Musketeers bar. Not that I need the extra calories but I need the chocolate.

Haven't been able to face the mess in the apartment. There really isn't any place to put the things anyway. I just stare at it and get overwhelmed. Maybe next week.

I am sooo happy. Lorinda, the cub scout supervisor, is letting me skip scouts friday on account of my eyes. Yippy Skippy.

Tice, I watched the video about finding papa. Your hair is so long! You look really good. You are my hero working out all the time. I went to the doctor the other day and he asked me if I exercise and I said just walking everywhere. He then checked sedentary on my record. I mean come on, all that walking has to count for something. Not to mention carrying 50lbs of groceries and little girl! I keep telling myself I'll lift the hand weights I have. Then I think, "gee, where are they?" [sounds like Dory on Finding Nemo] Another funny thing that was on my records that I had to take to this new doctor [more insurance woes] is that I have the lungs of a 58 year old! Can't figure that one out.

Tice, are you moving to Utah this year? Maybe I read the post wrong but it sounded like you and the kids are moving to Utah this year to live with Sally. Are you really? I'm so nosy, why? Also, the next time you see sister Derby give her a big hug and a hi from me. I really miss her.

I've got to think of a good way to sign off when ending a post like "roger that. over and out." Hmmmm...

survived

2008-03-11T22:03:00.001-04:00

I survived my eye surgery. The actual surgery was a breeze. Coming home and the next few days afterward were pure hell. Carlos was very angry with the kids and I got the blast. The kids have been awful. Friday, the day after the surgery we had to get up early to see my eye surgeon at 7am. Carlos was not very happy about this because he had to take me and because it was so early we had to take the kids. On the way home both kids threw up in the taxi. So...the kids stayed home from school that day. So instead of recooperating I was dealing with misbehaving children. Saturday was a little better. I got to sleep in. Carlos was still grumpy. I was very stressed and tired and still couldn't see very well. Sunday was much better. We went to church and for two blessed hours I had no children. After church Carlos appologized for being grumpy with me. I've decided that kindness and sincere appologies are two of the things that make me very happy. It was so nice to feel like he was back on my side again.

Basically, my recovery is slow but steady. The swelling has gone done a great deal. Only the inner corners of my eyes are red. I still look a little like Anakin Skywalker going evil.

Monday we had a meeting with the social worker about Jane. It took 1 1/2 hours. Luckily he is very nice and explains things well. There are going to do the testing. I thought the letter I wrote and signed a few weeks ago would start the testing. Guess not. We had to sign another form. Then we stated our concerns and gave a social history of Jane. In describing jane I realized that in many ways I was describing me too. However, I don't hit kids at recess in frustration. The social worker said about 6 weeks or more before we have a meeting to discuss the results. It has been 10 years since I worked in the school system. I forgot how slow, grinding and frustrating the system is.

Kids were very difficult today. Jane had one of her freak outs on the way from school to the library. She was Screaming and blocking my path because she wanted me to hold her. She weighs nearly 50lbs and the library bag was another 30. No way. When we finally got to the library she refused to go in. So I let her stay outside the door (it was glass so I could see her) while I stood in the vestabule. I needed to watch Ethan too. New Yorkers are very outspoken about child care. Every woman that passed through the door I had to explain it was my child and that she was having a tantrum. Eventually I convinced her to come in. The rest of my day with the kids was just more tantrums, fighting, destroying, uncooperation, etc...I am so sick of kids. I just groan inside when I think that this Friday I have to do Cub Scouts.

I went to a jewelry party tonight and bought a ring. It came to about $33. I hope I wear it. I'm so rough with jewelry and if it bothers me in the least it comes off. I have a few beautiful pieces that I inherited from my grandmother who died a couple of years ago. The are really pretty but completely impractical. But, because they are pretty and I'm sentimental about them I can't let them go.

Are there things that you have trouble letting go?

temper, temper

2008-03-05T18:12:00.000-05:00

I have lost my temper several times today. Jane and I had a battle of wills and sad to say I won. Threats and coercion. I can't seem to solve my parenting problems without them. I am very frustrated. I ask you, we believe agency is the most precious thing in the universe. If this is so, do we give our children agency to choose what they will? They will not accept the consequences which usually have to created.

I actually spent about an hour doing dishes this morning. I let them pile up. Luckily, I had a movie I could watch while washing them. You don't think that lengthened washing time?

Tonight's my night off. I haven't really had one in a few weeks. I'm not sure what to do. I guess I can always go to barns and noble and read.

Oh my gosh. I just realized that I am not allowed to eat or drink after midnight tonight because of surgery tomorrow. But my surgery is not until 3 pm! I am going to be starving. Guess I better eat, drink and be merry tonight for tomorrow who knows what will come.

I am hungry. Gonna eat now.

By the way, does anyone know how to change the time that is posted with the posts? Mine is completely off.

she's sick

2008-03-03T19:20:00.000-05:00

I always know when my kids are sick. They first get sluggish, then glassy-eyed, and finally they sleep. We were about to go out the door to church yesterday when Jane said, "My tummy hurts." So, we get undressed and Jane spends all day on the couch with a fever. This morning she vomited. Low-grade fever. Late morning she was happy and fine. We go to get Ethan and the park and she deteriorated. High temperature. We barely made it home. I so wanted her to be well by tomorrow so she could go on the field trip.

Lara, I'll take anything you can give me to make scouts more bearable. Every time I have to miss scouts or it is vacation I get soooo happy. I am counting down the days till summer vacation. No scouts till the fall. The majority of people leave the city during the summer so no scouts to have pack meetings. [because there are so few scouts all the dens are combined each week, thus the pack meetings.]

Tice, I have a great cookie recipe. It is the recipe for Neiman Marcus cookies and as a result makes about 100 cookies. I just make it when I have to bring cookies to a function. If you want it I'll type it up for you. I'm not a big cookie fan but I love these.

We finally have an appointment with the social worker who is going to schedule the speech and language and psychological testing on Jane. Hopefully by the end of the month the testing will be finished. Then we have to decide what to do with her after the results are in. I still am clueless as to what to do.

2008-03-01T22:29:00.000-05:00

Tice, you are such a good blogger. Your entries are always so enTICING.

Jane was talking to me the other day and asked me if boys have babies. I said no. She then preceded to tell me that she would marry her friend Makenzie (who will be the boy) and Jane will be the girl. Then when it is time to have the baby, Makenzie will be the girl and Jane will be the boy. After the birth they would switch back to the original gender. I'm not sure what to make of that.

Jane really wants to be a boy. She likes dressing in her "handsome" clothes which means boy pants and boy shirt. She is very particular. Even the shoulders can not have "puffs" but be very masculine. I think I am going to start shopping for her in the boy section. Boys clothes are usually cheaper anyway.

Hurray! Ethan's sneakers finally came in. I got an e-mail saying they had arrived at Payless. So I proceeded to walk to Payless. Not this Payless. The one you want is on 105th and 3rd avenue. Great. Only 22 blocks north and 3 long blocks west. Not to mention that is a scary neighborhood. Needless to say I waited until morning to walk to Payless. Then when I get there the lady says that they e-mail first and then the next day they arrive. I know this can't be true because this was the second day after the email. So I stick around while the other woman was in the back looking for the shoes. Guess what. They were there. Glad I waited. Of course I then bought two pairs of shoes because of the buy one get one 1/2 off sale. They had these gorgeous sling-backs that I wanted but of course they only had them in the size above and below my size. So I bought espedrilles and so these cool looking sneakers.

Today went by so fast. I cant believe it. I didn't really do anything fun or that productive. I never understood why my parents said time goes by so fast when you get older. Now I understand.

The Cub Scout Blue and Gold banquet was Friday night. Can I just say I hate being a cub scout leader. About 3/4 of the boys are completely out of control. I spend most of the time keeping them from tackling each other or destroying things. We can't go outside to run because that would mean running in the street. I absolutely hate being responsible for kids. Kids are fine at a distance. I just don't like being around them.

Any way our pack was in charge of the flag ceremony. Lorinda, the leader, (I'm assistant cub scout leader) was reading off a paper how to do it. I've have never seen her lose her temper before but she did then. That is how bad the boys behaved. Ethan did a good job calling out the color guard directives. The other three made a game out of marching and hitting each other along the way to the front. The other packs don't act this way.

My greatest fear is that Lorinda is going to move away and I'll take over her job. There is a good chance that she will move because her husband was fired. There is no one else to take the job. Three of the boys are non-members. A fourth is Lorinda's son. There's Ethan. And the last boy's father was the leader but then he was called to be elder's quorum president. Even so they said that at this age they need a woman to guide them. Bull! They need a man to straighten them out. The other packs have male leaders.

I have my surgery Thursday. I'm worried about insurance, not the actual surgery. Insurance better pay for it since it is necessary. Hopefully, in about 2 weeks I shouldn't have double vision anymore. I hope.

thanks

2008-02-27T16:51:00.000-05:00

I am so grateful for friends. Thanks for sending goodness my way.

Jane somehow popped her zipper head off and we can't get it back on. So, today we went to four stores to buy a new one. The first store had one kind of jacket, not very warm for $99. The second store, a thrift store had a two jackets a size to big for $25. The 3rd and 4th store had no jackets at all. So I ordered a jacket online but it won't be here for two weeks. This is a good example of what it is like living in an urban jungle.

I am so glad Ethan finally agreed to have a playdate with his friend. His friend has asked several times and Ethan has said no. I can't understand this because when I was his age nobody asked me to play. Maybe it is a boy thing.

Do 4-5 year old girls go through a contradictory stage? No matter what I say Jane says the opposite even if it means it is something she really doesn't like. I get so irritated when she does this.

Carlos has a concert tonight. I am glad he is pursuing his singing but all the practices and performances get to be a bit much. At least he is happy. He is really enjoying his work now that he has a new job. He is not working for Mt. Sinai anymore. He got a job at New York State Psychiatric Institute. It is on the other side of the island from where we live so his commuting time has increased but not too significantly.

I just bought about $95 worth of paper punches and adhesive today. I can't seem to stop buying things. I've wanted these punches for years now but I still shouldn't have purchased them. I'm afraid to tell Carlos. Actually, I don't know why. He buys several hundred dollar glasses even though his old frames are only a year old. Plus he buys expensive sunglasses. He is a big spender too. He eats out for lunch every single day. I don't get to do that. Well, I just convinced myself that I shouldn't feel bad about buying these punches.

Carlos is getting ready right now. He looks so cute in his cumberbun (spelling?).

Enough avoiding for tonight. Back to my reality.

blah

2008-02-26T18:58:00.000-05:00

I'm feeling kind of blah the last few days. Antsy. I feel discontent but I do not know why. I hope I figure it out soon.

Today Janie and Ethan had total breakdowns. The frustration tolerance in both of them is near zero. I don't know how to handle it. I try to comfort Jane but she doesn't accept it like she did before. She doesn't want me to hold her or talk about what is bothering her. What am I going to do?

Not much has changed. Still dealing with a bunch of problems, some big, some small. Still at a loss as to what to do about most of them.

I hope I will feel better soon.

ouch

2008-02-21T22:03:00.000-05:00

I think I have an ear infection. My ear and jaw hurt so bad on the left side of my head. I should have expected it. In hindsight the symptoms where all there. My ear itching, dizziness, a little nausea. Sometimes when I get ear infections it causes really bad vertigo. Hopefully, that won't happen this time.

All I did today was lie down, read, and help the kids with their many moments of need. Not very productive but I did finish the book. It is called So you want to be a Wizard by Diane Duane. I loved it. Can't wait to check out the next one in the series.

I do feel good about how I handled Jane's rage today. At first we were heading down the same worn path of reactions but then all of a sudden these words came out of my mouth. "If you keep throwing things you are going to feel bad inside." Well, that was different in our interaction pattern. She paused a moment before screaming no she would feel good. I asked her as she was throwing another thing against the wall if that felt good and she said yes. But, she was in tears and I could hear the agony in her voice. I asked her if she wanted a hug and kiss and she said yes. I held her and kissed her for a little while. Then miraculously she quietly went to bed. As I was holding her the thought came to my mind that only tenderness will work with Jane. Harshness just fuels the raging fire. Help me to remember this and to be calm next time, God.

I'm tired. I hope I feel better tomorrow.

long time no see

2008-02-20T18:56:00.000-05:00

I can't believe it has been almost a year since I last posted. where did the time go? so much has happened since then. Where do I even start?

Jane turned 5 and Ethan 9 this past December. I just turned 37 last month. More and more I am aware of time passing. I am starting to feel that there is an end to my time on earth. The awareness that I'm not invincible or that I'll live forever like you feel when you are young. I'm not saying I'm going to die soon, it's just like that little pinprick of light you see at the end of a long tunnel. There is still more tunnel but the end is now in sight.

I am getting eye muscle surgery next month. I have reached the extent of effectiveness wearing glasses. {Another sign of my age. }They don't help anymore. I am very excited to see again. Vision is central in my life. I learn visually. My enjoyment comes through vision. Books, art, nature. If you take vision from me you take my enjoyment out of life. This is why the eye surgery is so important to me.

This year has been very challenging. Jane is having problems, especially in school. I've had several conferences with her teacher and the school pychologist. She is going to be evaluated for speech and language and I think intelligence. Carlos and I even saw a child psychologist. She confirmed what Carlos and I suspected. Jane is not ready for kindergarten. She never should have been passed on to kindergarten. Unfortunately, the new york law said that at age 5 a child goes to kindergarten age six she goes to 1st grade. The school will fight against holding her back. [grrrr] I am very frustrated. The school psychologist and I think her teacher suspect abuse. she called me one time to ask where two bruised came from. Jane is a very active child. She always has bruises. The child psychologist said we should take her out of that school after she is tested. But then what? Everything is so expensive.

sick

2007-06-04T13:46:00.000-04:00

My son has been so sick the last four days. Today he is finally well enough to go to school. I can always tell when my kids get better because they get antsy and wild after being cooped up so long.

Been a long time since I posted. I never thought I would be so busy or at least so absent-minded. Also, I keep forgetting my username and password. Oh well.

I can hardly believe that school is almost over. The kids only have about 3 1/2 weeks until vacation. Then the family goes on vacation.

I'm excited that the kids and I are going to visit my grand parents for three whole weeks this summer. I just bought a ticket for my mother to fly there for one of the weeks. I'll get to see my mom's parents, my mom, my sister and probably my aunt. That is very unusual. I don't get to see my family very often so this is special.

I want my kids to get to know my grandparents before they die. My grandparents have had a profound influence in my life. I made the mistake of not getting my kids to see my grandma J. For a year the thought kept nagging at me to get the kids to meet her. I never did and now she is dead. She died last April. I feel so profoundly sad that my kids will never know her in this life.

This grandma J. was such a mainstay in my life. From the time I was born up until a couple of years before she died this grandma sent me a card and money for Christmas and my birthday. No matter how bad things got I began and ended the year on a bright note with her card. I miss those cards.

Life has been pretty good. I'm trying very hard to be productive each day. Slacked off while my son was sick. Trying to get back into the swing of things.

Saturday I hired a professional organizer for $225 for 3 hours. I'm disappointed. The most she did was help to actually sort through the kids room a bit. She really didn't have any new ideas. In fact, she was amazed by how well I had already organized things. Oh well, live and learn.

lots to do.

2007-05-19T21:27:00.000-04:00

Thought I'd just start a blog. I seem to think better when I get my thinking down on paper or in this case on the screen. So, this blog is my thinking. What am I thinking today? I've been thinking a lot about being a productive person. The last couple of weeks I've been trying to be a lot more productive. In the past I didn't do a whole lot because I usually don't have much energy. I read this book called Done! by Don Aslett. I really liked the book. I decided to take the challenge of doing more, even if I thought I didn't have a lot of energy. He was right. Once I started it I felt so good that I was motivated to do more and more. Now I try to fill up my schedule with as much as I can. I highly recommend this book.

I'm also thinking about relationships. Particularly with spouses. I've always thought and believed that your spouse was suppose to be your best friend. But, it just isn't working out that way. If your spouse isn't your friend what is he? And do you just find good friends and accept that your spouse isn't your friend?

Something to ponder.