Ringadingding

I think I have an ear infection. My ear and jaw hurt so bad on the left side of my head. I should have expected it. In hindsight the symptoms where all there. My ear itching, dizziness, a little nausea. Sometimes when I get ear infections it causes really bad vertigo. Hopefully, that won't happen this time.

All I did today was lie down, read, and help the kids with their many moments of need. Not very productive but I did finish the book. It is called So you want to be a Wizard by Diane Duane. I loved it. Can't wait to check out the next one in the series.

I do feel good about how I handled Jane's rage today. At first we were heading down the same worn path of reactions but then all of a sudden these words came out of my mouth. "If you keep throwing things you are going to feel bad inside." Well, that was different in our interaction pattern. She paused a moment before screaming no she would feel good. I asked her as she was throwing another thing against the wall if that felt good and she said yes. But, she was in tears and I could hear the agony in her voice. I asked her if she wanted a hug and kiss and she said yes. I held her and kissed her for a little while. Then miraculously she quietly went to bed. As I was holding her the thought came to my mind that only tenderness will work with Jane. Harshness just fuels the raging fire. Help me to remember this and to be calm next time, God.

I'm tired. I hope I feel better tomorrow.

I can't believe it has been almost a year since I last posted. where did the time go? so much has happened since then. Where do I even start?

Jane turned 5 and Ethan 9 this past December. I just turned 37 last month. More and more I am aware of time passing. I am starting to feel that there is an end to my time on earth. The awareness that I'm not invincible or that I'll live forever like you feel when you are young. I'm not saying I'm going to die soon, it's just like that little pinprick of light you see at the end of a long tunnel. There is still more tunnel but the end is now in sight.

I am getting eye muscle surgery next month. I have reached the extent of effectiveness wearing glasses. {Another sign of my age. }They don't help anymore. I am very excited to see again. Vision is central in my life. I learn visually. My enjoyment comes through vision. Books, art, nature. If you take vision from me you take my enjoyment out of life. This is why the eye surgery is so important to me.

This year has been very challenging. Jane is having problems, especially in school. I've had several conferences with her teacher and the school pychologist. She is going to be evaluated for speech and language and I think intelligence. Carlos and I even saw a child psychologist. She confirmed what Carlos and I suspected. Jane is not ready for kindergarten. She never should have been passed on to kindergarten. Unfortunately, the new york law said that at age 5 a child goes to kindergarten age six she goes to 1st grade. The school will fight against holding her back. [grrrr] I am very frustrated. The school psychologist and I think her teacher suspect abuse. she called me one time to ask where two bruised came from. Jane is a very active child. She always has bruises. The child psychologist said we should take her out of that school after she is tested. But then what? Everything is so expensive.